A Therapist in Therapy

So it has been a couple years since I have been in therapy myself.  Probably for any other profession, hearing a professional you are working with say they are in therapy, might be scary.  But for a therapist such as myself, it’s kind of  – well – necessary.

I hope to be empathic, understanding, encouraging and supportive to my clients.  I want them to feel safe and encouraged to share their innermost thoughts, fears, dreams, and hopes.  When they feel safe to share I am that much more able to help.  My ability to understand their story is heightened.

So then, how much more am I able to be the therapist I hope to be when I am in their seat… on the couch… vulnerable… crying…  searching…  and looking for that human experience that validates… I am okay.  I am valuable while imperfect, I am important while flawed.  It was very hard, as I returned to that couch, to be vulnerable and to accept the validation given me by my therapist.

The thoughts of, “I shouldn’t be here, I’m a therapist”, “What will she think of me?”, “What will she tell her colleagues about me?”, or, the worst thought, “Wow, this chick should definitely not be a therapist”, were hard to hold back during the first session.  The only thing encouraging me to continue being there is that there is some healing to do, and through that healing I can better help others.  Well, that and feeling a genuine sense of care from her.

I often use the analogy (one that I do not take credit for), of the oxygen mask in the airplane.  I ask my clients – especially the “people-pleasing” bunch – “What does the flight attendant tell you to do when the oxygen mask drops?”  Most frequently, they respond correctly – “Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, THEN help those around you”.  It’s important they see this as a metaphor for where they might be going wrong – wanting so badly to please others and help others that they leave themselves out of the mix.

I try to explain to my clients, there is nothing wrong with helping others, sacrificing for others, and if that’s your heart, then you have a gift.  It’s when you don’t fill your own tank, or in this case, take in your own oxygen, that you really are less adept to help those around you.  To give them your very best.

I think that’s what this “therapist in therapy” journey is doing for me – filling my lungs with good, precious air, so that, I am much better equipped to provide precious care to my clients, and even my friends and my family.

There is no such thing as a perfect therapist.  If you find one, please run.  While your therapist should not be practicing too much self-disclosure, it might be helpful for you to know, that they know, what it is like to be in your seat… on the couch… vulnerable… crying… searching… and looking for that human experience that validates… I am okay.

Love, Cats and Grief

Yesterday, after searching and posting signs for our lost Hawaiian cat, Noa, our neighbor came by to tell us he heard the coyotes celebrating Friday night.  Unfortunately, we believe they were celebrating the capture of our beloved Noa, who do not come in when called as he ALWAYS had – in fact, he had never wandered past the perimeter of our home.  He was a very sweet, loving cat, who likely greeted the coyote as if it were a friendly dog.

I cried last night – hard.  He counted on us.  He loved us unconditionally (well, he did pee on a few things when he was mad at us), and always greeted us at the door with a meow and a leg rub.  He played with our kids and let them handle him recklessly.  He was there when we were sad – literally climbing on any of us when he suspected sadness or saw tears forming in our eyes.

We love our cat.  He sat in the funniest positions in the middle of the floor constantly obsessed about our water glasses and how he could sneak a drink.  I wish he would come back.  I wish he hadn’t gotten out that night.  I wish he was okay.

I worked at Hospice for quite a while during my therapy internship and hearing people grieve over their loved ones was a very difficult task.  But I think it prepared me for moments like this.  Granted people hold more value to us than animals – though we love them desperately.  And I am not comparing the death of a cat to the death of say my friend’s father, whom she recently lost.  This is just to say grief is grief.  There is longing and hoping and praying and wishing and sadness and anger and even guilt and blame.

Grief is a natural occurrence and difficult process.  It consumes and tears apart, but in the end, if done well, it can be healing and strengthening, too.

My first instinct was to give away our other cat (who we recently adopted) just so that my kids, and husband and I wouldn’t have to grieve again should she get out as well (with 2 young kids and doors opening and closing rapidly in many locations – it’s inevitable).  Then I realized you can’t escape life and its grief by returning things, or hiding things, or caging things, or not giving your heart to people or animals.  What kind of life would that be?

I am heartbroken.  My kids still think he’s coming back despite our telling him he isn’t.  I love that about kids – they are always hopeful.  Somehow we take that away from them instead of encouraging it.  Somehow, we tell them to love and that they can do anything but then tell them some things are hopeless.  Death is final, yes.  Hope is not.  

We will spend awhile grieving our Noa-Bear.  I will still cry many tears and wish for him to be safely in my lap to comfort me.  That’s okay.  I will grieve well – I will memorialize him, and talk story about him, and know that he was a very special addition to our family.  And I will do my best to keep hope alive for my kids.We love you, Noa-Bear!!!!!!!!!  

Taylor Swift and Marriage

So I have always been impressed by Taylor Swift.  Particularly her songwriting skills while related to her age.  She is poignant and vulnerable and in touch with her emotions – a skill a lot of adults who come to therapy are often struggling to achieve.  As the mother of a young girl, I also find her to be a decent role model to whom I don’t mind my daughter listening or watching.

Recently, some lyrics of Miss Swift’s struck me:

Don’t you worry your pretty little mind

People throw rocks at things that shine

And life makes love look hard 

I imagine with all the flack Miss Swift receives for “who she is dating this week”, lyrics like this came naturally to her and I think she is spot on.  She does shine – brightly!! and for some reason a great majority of us are threatened by her success, her fame, and/or her fortune and therefore, get the idea it is our place to judge her love life.  

As a marriage therapist I’m here to say – good on you Miss Swift for dating as many people as you’d like!  You are young and it sure is my experience that some married couples struggle with all the time they didn’t have to date because they “locked in” on one person too soon.  

Now this is not to say that couples who married young and are struggling in this area cannot work – just that I think the uninvited jury of tabloid mags may have something to learn from Miss Swift enjoying her youth and her experience!

In my humble opinion I think it is better to have fun and try “in love” as many times as you can while you are young rather than regret you did not have the opportunity and risk resentment, regret and bitterness when you are older and married.  

Life [DOES] make love look hard!  

But I think mature love at its best is accompanied by equal parts joy and heartbreak from our youth.  Shine On Miss Swift, Shine On!

• Lyrics by Taylor Swift, from “Speak Now” 2010

Amy M Price, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Amy M Price, LMFT (MFC 48856) provides marriage counseling, family counseling, play therapy, children’s counseling and other services related to mental health and the healing and strengthening of relationships.